late...

briannas plane came in at 11:35...it is now 1:30....she is late coming home and for the first time in her adult life doesnt have a stupid cell phone so i can make sure she is alright....curses!!!

20 years old....need i say more?

OK so i turned 20 this month and so much stuff has happened already in my 20th year that i just feel so grown up and adult like. Day one of age 20...aka my birthday...the only good thing about it was the flowers i got from my brosky colin and the upbeat attitude of my father all day long. lets not forget to mention the fact that Kevin(aka pecks of justice) gave me an entire plateful of cookies and i ran into one of my old EFY counselors who said i looked "really good, i mean really good!" yeah he looked exactly the same. AND of course all the calls from my home girls, which pretty much made the day bearable....thanks girls!!! (jamie, alyssa, sierra, kitara, michelle....you know who you are!) and even though my new dress ripped, my camera broke, and some people said mean things to me...i think that my next brithday will most definitely be a step forward into happier and more joyful celebrating times.

Anyways so that was day one....day 9...lost my wallet in the most ghetto part of Salt Lake City. Needless to say the second i realized it was missing i made calls to the bank to shut out all my accounts, then to the police to report the 'incident', then to Dennys...the last place i saw it. yeah ill never see that wallet again. So today day 11 of age 20 i stood in line like a responsible adult and got a duplicate drivers license...i made sure not to smile in the new picture because i want to remember this experience....now it is forever in my life, on my file. then i forged on over to the bank and kicked butts and took names....closing accounts and terrorizing bank clerks...the main guy Billy was actually very nice! hahah

all the while i have realized that at age 20 i have finished only 1 1/2 years of college. i work a dead end job that makes me miserable on most days, i live paycheck to paycheck with little hope of that changing, and i am currently single. though after a date i had a day or so ago i find that to be a huge blessing in my life. some people.....not me of course...but some people just shouldnt be with other people. and this poor guy who i went on a date with is definitely not the one for me, but i couldnt say 'no' to his querry 'will you go out with me again' i wish when it came to men i had a backbone of steele....well i guess that i kind of do, but when it comes to rejecting them i dont want ot hurt them so i dont say no...bad choice. just reject them sista!!! oh well...such is life.

on to good news though~~!!!! not only am i traveling to the land of Kitara, Katrina, Elder Cardenaz, and GLEE, but i am also moving in with my bestest friend in the whole world this fall and i cant wait!!!! its going to be so great!!! BYUI without the I!!!! hahahahah anyway im going to send this out into the cosmic void so i can go to bed. good night dear void!!!

birthday part 1

its best to have low expectations for days that you are really looking forward to cuz then you wont be disappointed, unless they are just crappy all around. i feel like i have just been dreading this day for the past month, just because im aging and i feel like my life is going nowhere and this is just proof that gosh darn it, im alone and on my own. which is alright, but not the way i thought my life was gonna be when i was younger. but i hate having low expectations...i feel that i should look at life with the glass half full perspective instead of the glass half empty. i think that would be a more worthwhile way to live my life. welp here goes nothing...i am going to think positive thoughts all day long no matter what happens!!! i love life and satan, the jerk wad, will not ruin this day for me!

ps the pic is me last year....exactly one year ago....on my birthday. i miss those times soooo much! i miss my roomies who woke up with me and couldnt wait to see me open my presents. i miss actually being happy about what i was doing with my life, and i miss the fact that i had the gall to wear this hideous, yet fantastically terrifically outrageous outfit, out in public!!!

blessings

my car,my job, my apartment, my family, my friends, the constant reminder that i am loved, my paychecks, shoes, brothers that serve missions then come home and become my best friend. co workers that are super duper, the church, the gospel, temples, my temple recommend, the opportunity i have to take the sacrament every week, groceries, giving to others, complete unselfish service, visiting teaching, excercise, music, pillows, the PRIESTHOOD, best friends (sierra, twinners, james, alysia, michelle my belle, trace my face, victoria) amazing sisters who listen to me vent like everynight, zumba, zebra striped shoes, victorias secret, good gas milage, grandparents willing to travel across the country to be with you on your birthday, music, family. (i know im repeating some, but i am super grateful for those blessings) Old church leaders who shaped me into who i am right now spiritually, parents that have taught me the value of money and hard work, flowers, sunshine, mountains and lakes, short gusts of wind when your sweating. cameras that catch the best moments in life. cell phones that keep you connected to loved ones. THE POWER OF PRAYER. the men who lead the church, missionaries. COLOR. roommates that have apartment prayers with you. hospital milkshakes, long bubble baths, long hot showers, back scrubbers, flowery smelling shampoo, memories. education, travel, books, journals, cell phones, computers, internet, FACEBOOK!!! :) roomies who let me vent on them for hours at a time! love it!!!

why are you still here with me?

didnt you see what ive done? in my shame i want to run...and hide my self...but its here i see the truth. i dont deserve you! but i need you to love me. and i wont keep my heart from you this time, and ill stop this pretending that i can somehow deserve what i already have. i need you to love me. i, i have wasted so much time, pushing you away from me. i just never saw how you could cherish me, cuz your a God who has all things...and still you want me. and i need you to love me and i wont keep my heart from you this time. and ill stop this pretending that i can somehow deserve what i already have. your love makes me forget what i have done, your love makes me see who i really am. your love makes me forget what i have been like, and i need you to love me. and ill stop this pretending that i can somehow deserve what i already have. i need you to love me.

-Barlow Girl

yeah...need i say more?

ALONE at age 20....provo what have you done to me?!?!?!

Ok sooooo growing up i always thought that by the time i turned 18 i would get married to a tall dark and handsome man, who i would meet right after my high school graduation. He would whisk me away on his white horse and we would ride off into the sunset, then magically a year later we would have a bouncing baby boy with curly brown hair and electric blue eyes, and i would be suffering but so happy from my little family that i could burst with pure joy. Thats what i pictured when i thought about my future. Little did i know that in all reality i would grow to become 20 years old without even a boyfriend to keep me warm on cold winter nights. its not like i have never had a relation ship, i totally have, but that relationship didnt last longer that 1 week and that happened over 3 years ago. i know how pathetic right. thats what you must be thinking but as i sit here and think about it i dont find it pathetic at all. sure i dont have much experience in the form of "boy knowledge" but i am happily ignorant of what im missing out on. and to tell you and the rest of the world the truth i would rather live in ignorance than in remorse knowing that i spent time with someone who i knew was wrong for me. so thats my little rant on that.

When i think about my life i realize that to the rest of the world i am a very young very naive 20 year old who has her whole life ahead of her to explore and to travel and to meet people and maybe by the age of 30 to get married and start a family. But here in provo i might as well be a grandmother...the fact that i dont have a boyfriend and that i have no future prospects for marriage makes me out to be a single, sorry little excuse of a mormon girl. well thanks a lot provo for making this birthday make me feel like crap. hence the picture above...my overall fear of turning 20 and being single...retarded i know but its the way this place makes me feel.